Weekly Commentary: Terror Threats on VHS (but not DVD)

So a bunch of terrorists send a tape to ABC News, telling us "the streets will run with blood" and other such euphemistic bilge if George W. Bush is re-elected.

Flashback with me, if you will, to Madrid, Spain circa March 11, 2004. If the terrorists really wanted to have an impact on American elections and turn the tide of the vote away from President Bush, they wouldn't be sending us threatening tapes; they'd be carrying out their acts of destruction. So, why aren't they?

They know they can't.

This pathetic attempt at a threat is not only evidence of their masked cowardice, but of their inability to act on their claims. In trying so desperately to take votes away from George W. Bush, these terrorists have admitted that:

1. George W. Bush and his security policies are a threat to their jihad.
2. George W. Bush and his values and goals are a threat to their very existence.
3. And, despite the antagonizing efforts of the opposition, the supposed "tight race", margin-of-error polling results, registration issues, and trial lawyers up the wazoo, President George W. Bush is going to be re-elected.

And there is nothing they can do about it but slap on their veils, sit down in front of their camcorders, and make baseless threats with multiple adjectives deemed "scary" by 1950s movie standards. (Yes, you sons-of-a-mongoose, I'm talking about you.) Pathetic. Although, I am thrilled that our government is taking the tape seriously and performing a thorough investigation, because when they find the two-bit pansy who thinks flashing a gun and screaming bloody murder is going to influence my choice on election day, I'll be glad to personally rip that sheet from his face, look him straight in his cowardly little eyes, and laugh my ass off at the big terrorist who, by his big actions, admitted his own defeat.

And as for that other tape released today, you know, the one with the room full of terrorists claiming that American Intelligence basically gave them all of those weapons that "just went missing six days-- I mean, over a year ago"... let me just ask, are they getting their cues from Terry MacAuliffe, too?

Meanwhile, Mr. Media Elite himself, Walter Cronkite, thinks Karl Rove "set up" Bin Laden to make his latest threat tape. Riight. And Karl Rove is behind the making of Farenheight 9/11 and every single John Kerry stump speech and press release, too, I guess. After all, the language used by all three (Bin Laden, Moore, and Kerry) is the same. At least John Kerry can tick off Osama's name on his list of newly gained allies, right next to Arafat and the Malaysian P.M. Pansies.

Last night on Greta Van Sustren's show, Fox News foreign affairs analyst Mansoor Ijaz echoed my analysis of the terrorist "threat" tapes released this week: They released tapes containing threats because they can't possibly conduct a terrorist attack on American soil because our security is too good-- they are threatened by George W. Bush's leadership because they know that they cannot successfully conduct terrorist activity in America while he's in charge. If they had wanted to attack us, they would have done so without any warning.

Walter Cronkite needs to return to his Fiefdom of One, and he can take John Kerry with him. John Kerry's reaction to the tape? Priceless: "This is why George W. Bush sucks! I can run a more effective War on Terror, like, I SWEAR!!!" Number One Lesson from the John Kerry Playbook on Foreign Policy and Wartime Morale: It's all about ME. John Kerry and John Edwards have validated everything from the homicide bombing of the Sbarro's pizza shop in Jerusalem to Christopher Reeve's death by making themselves the headline of each story. The War on Terrorism isn't about Islamic nutcases who want Allah to rule the world, it's about John Kerry's manicure getting mussed and John Edward's hair getting tousled by the likes of George W. Bush. First, there was moral relativism. Now there's political relativism. What's next? I just hope we get a VHS tape warning us before it happens... oooh, or maybe BETA Max. Vintage is in.