25 January 2006

Bad Ratings

No ‘Brokeback Mountain’ for overseas troops [Stars & Stripes]

“Brokeback Mountain,” the movie about a gay cowboy love affair that recently won four Golden Globe awards and is expected to be in the Oscar hunt, will not play in any U.S. military theaters in Europe.

And not because it’s a gay cowboy love story.

Yes it is. It's okay-- we can admit it. That's exactly why it isn't being shown to the American military, because it's a film about two gay cowboys. And here are the three reasons why the American military would not want to bother spending what little free time they have watching a movie whose parody titles include "Rump Rangers" and "Bareback Mountain":

1. Straight guys don't like to watch gay guys get it on. They just don't. Why would they? The whole idea behind being straight is that you don't have any interest whatsoever in seeing people of the same sex naked, let alone doing it. Since the majority of the American military consists of straight men, why would the military bother paying to ship over a film they'd be showing to an empty theater?

2. Women don't like to watch gay sex. At least not me, and not the women I know. There's a theory that straight guys like to watch lesbian sex, however, the reverse does not apply. No straight woman I know gets anything, anything, out of watching two guys get it on. In fact, some women get rather depressed and/or disheartened when confronted with gay men. Why? Because it reminds them that it's that much harder to find a good, reliable straight guy to date, let alone settle down with. We're also sensitive about our appearances and attractiveness to begin with; layer on top of that the concept that a really great, hot guy would rather look at/sleep with a man instead of you, and you're just asking for a mental breakdown. Therefore, I severely doubt the women in our Armed Forces would really care about watching two gay cowboys.

3. Despite the rantings and fantasies of homosexual advocacy groups, there really aren't that many gays in the military. Think about it: the Gay Mafia claims that 10% of America is homosexual, when, in fact, only 1-3% of the population of the entire country are gay. The theory of "anything warm in a foxhole" is just that-- a theory, based on an unfulfilled homosexual fantasy. I'm sure there are some gays in the military, but I doubt there are any grand numbers, at least not enough to fill a military theater on a Friday night.

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