19 January 2006

Must See Terrorism

I've figured it out. I've cracked the case. Osama Bin Laden isn't some crazy Islamic tribal warlord at all! He's an unemployed television writer out for revenge.

Bin Laden Warns of Attacks, Offers Truce [Breit Bart]

Al-Jazeera aired an audiotape purportedly from Osama bin Laden on Thursday, saying al-Qaida is making preparations for attacks in the United States but offering a truce to rebuild Iraq and Afghanistan.

Audio tape? He's obviously recovering from his latest botox treatments and feels that the new trend in going public with your scars is just gauche. "Truce" is TV talk for "willing to negotiate residuals." "Rebuild Iraq and Afghanistan" really means "yeah, we took a ratings dive, but the season finale is really going to score big in the ratings, I swear!"

The voice on the tape said heightened security measures in the United States are not the reason there have been no attacks there since the Sept. 11, 2001, suicide hijackings.

Like every TV writer, Bin Laden knows when to incorporate the plot twist ....or could it be a careful use of the McGuffin?

Instead, the reason is "because there are operations that need preparations, and you will see them," he said.

Ooooh, mystery and suspense! A careful cover used by writers when they hit a wall in the story pitch. Nice.

"Based on what I have said, it is better not to fight the Muslims on their land," he said. "We do not mind offering you a truce that is fair and long-term. ... So we can build Iraq and Afghanistan ... there is no shame in this solution because it prevents wasting of billions of dollars ... to merchants of war."

I don't know if I agree with his technique of backing up solid financial reasoning with empty threats. He's getting a little too academic for the mainstream audience, here. After all, we can't let his program get on the air if it's only going to appeal to those Gore Vidal types. Where's the sex?

The speaker did not give conditions for a truce in the excerpts aired by the Arab broadcaster.

He's not in a place to keep 'em guessing, especially when these execs want solid numbers on the table. Nope. I think his time in the sun is over. Let's can 'em and bring back that Stephen King guy to do a few Movie of the Week episodes. Nothing beats a rabid dog in the ratings. Hey, and while we're at it, let's have that rabid dog bite some Muslim mailmen in the leg....

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Blogger Rob said...

Are we sure this wasn't an impostor tape made by the Democrats?

9:11 PM  
Blogger Shanah said...

This has James Carville written ALL over it.

3:12 PM  

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